I have been state of melancholia for various reasons. My
life hasn’t worked out has well has I had planned. I’ve felt that everyone
around me has moved on while I’m standing still. To be blunt I have been
feeling lonely. Still I don’t blame anyone, we all have busy lives and it is
easy to lose touch, I get it. Usually I keep things like this too myself
because I rather not bother people with my problems. However, recent events in
my life compel me to say what is on my mind.
Some might not know, five years ago I had a thyroidectomy to
remove cancerous tissue in my throat. Recovering from that took a lot out of
me, both physically and emotionally, but I’ve tried my best to move on and live
life to the fullest. I tried not to let it get me down or distract me from my
dreams, but my condition limited what I could do. I’ve had to try twice as hard
with less energy than most. There were days where I couldn’t keep up at all.
Still I kept trying, believing things would get better and doing the best I
can. Late last year my doctors found anomalous tissue where my thyroid used to
be and didn’t know what to make of it. They performed various test and scans. After
months of that they concluded there were enlarged lymphoid and could
potentially be the cancer reemerging. Though the doctor said “not to worry” it
hit be pretty bad. They advised a second surgery to see and if necessary remove
any affected tissue. Suddenly a lot of the plans I had made for this year fell
apart. I have up trying to find an internship, with my situation I couldn’t
possibly work with that hanging over my head. Events like conventions had to be
cancelled. Even school became more stressful. I didn’t want to spend my last
semester in college dealing with recovering.
Despite all that the most stressful part of the news was the
uncertainty of it all. I wouldn’t know how bad it was until after the surgery.
It could either just be scar tissue from before or worse case the cancer grew
and could potentially be worse than before. My Endocrinologist even mentioned chemo
if necessary. I started having a lot of feelings about it all. Regret that
things I planned for myself were once again ruined and set aside. I was exhausted at the thought of recovering
from surgery again, especially before graduation. But mainly I started to feel
angry, that I have tried hard and given all I can only to have it all taken
away because of this sickness inside me that I’ll have to fear the rest of my
life. Everyone else runs around enjoying their lives, taking for granted how
easily it could be taken away. I think because of this I’ve been distancing
myself from people, not because I disliked them but because I didn’t want them
to get hurt from something I would say out of anger or irritation. I don’t want
to ruin their happiness for sympathy or attention.
If my recent behavior made you feel in any way uncomfortable
I apologize. I write this now so you understand why I have been the way I have
been, not as a cry for attention or anything. My surgery is scheduled for this
coming Tuesday March 26. I’ve been assured it would be a simple procedure and shouldn’t
take more than a few hours. Still I don’t know what will happen and that
honestly scares me.
I can’t ask that you pray for me or whatever. You’re free
not to care. But if you can do one thing for me…have a good day, do something
good, and have a good life. Do that for me and I would have no regrets after
Tuesday.
SORRY FOR THE EMO RANT BUT THANKS FOR READING IT ALL =X
